I hate everyone today.....

I hate everyone and everything today, seriously... I do. I'm sure that there's some anxiety going on about getting my PET scan results tomorrow but for whatever reason I'm just so angry today. I hate cancer, I hate that my lungs hurt, I hate that I can't even take a shower without being completely exhausted. I hate that my arms and feet are covered in bruises from the THIRTEEN needles they poked in me yesterday trying to get an IV placed. I hate laundry. I hate the color of my walls. I even picked a stupid fight with Dave for no reason. I've literally been sitting around seething today. It's stupid. And pointless. I know this. THEN I picked up Piper (7) from school...... Kids have such enthusiasm for life and it didn't take much more than her "hey mom, I had a great day today how was yours... Are you feeling good or bad today, I hope good cause I super love you" in that imgoingtotalkuntilirunoutofbreath way and BAM my day was better...... I still have scanxiety about tomorrow but, I know there's nothing I can do to change those results. Sigh...... I'll update tomorrow when I get the "news" and hopefully I'll be back to my normally upbeat self! Lol 

Chemo #5 and Britney Jean

So, as I sit here on my 2nd day of inpatient chemo #5 I'm still on a high from my awesome weekend. I received front row tickets to see the Britney Spears show in Las Vegas for Christmas. I was thrilled, to say the least. But, what I walked away with was MUCH more priceless than seeing and MEETING an "idol". I've said this before but, it just rings more true each day. I have AMAZING friends and family!!! My brother got these great tickets for Dave and I which started the whole weekend but, as soon as I knew it some friends were contacting Planet Hollywood and telling them my "story" and that we were celebrating my Bucketlist weekend-and soon we had EPIC rooms at PH. Another friend "knew a guy" and I was told to meet him in the lobby at 6pm prior to the show where we were then personally escorted on a backstage tour including her wardrobe room and all of the props, the next thing we know we are being escorted down a hallway to meet THE Britney and have a photo with her (below). Then some friends I hadn't seen in years somehow found out where we were (FB?) and had champagne sent up to our room, on top of that my room was decorated with candles and rose petals galore. On Sunday I was pooped and we spent the day with great friends laying around in PJ's snacking, champagne drinking and watching the big game.... It was a fantastic weekend, every single second!! Meeting Brit was great but, what I will take away with me is the EFFORT everybody made for little ol me.... From personal friends to the strangers that stopped me to say I looked beautiful. It really meant a lot, much more than the idol herself could have EVER given me. 

What else happened this month...... 

I also have to talk about my adventure to Disneyland! My wonderful daughter, Ashley bought the WHOLE family tickets to the happiest place on earth for Christmas. We went for my birthday and had SUCH a great time. All 5 kids, my niece and my mama were all with me. It was a slightly cold day and the lines were short and because I'm now considered "handicapped" we got on every ride quickly. My son was "Mr in charge of mom" and pushed my wheelchair almost the entire day- pretty great for a 16 year old who a year ago wouldn't have even wanted to be SEEN with "old mom". Piper went on almost every ride in the park (minus space Mountain and Matterhorn) which was a huge accomplishment because she's usually afraid of things unknown. Ashley, Chelsea and Kylie were all so attentive and sweet to me and kind to one another..... Again, big accomplishment that there was not one single fight! The treatment I received from everyone at Disney was over the top nice..... I have to hand it to the general population for being really nice people. There's so much ugly stuff in the world but, I see a whole new side of people now. 

We also did a fundraiser in January (whew it's a good thing I had chemo light in January or I wouldn't  have made it to all of this cool stuff) - the amazing Savannah and Jes pulled off another great day, this one was at Hidden Cafe and was so much fun. I'm sure for them it was also hard work but, for me it was just fun to see everybody coming out to support me and get a great breakfast. Thanks to all of you for coming out..... I'm always humbled. 

As always thank you to everyone for your support! Love you ALL!! 

Meeting Britney 

The happiest place on earth (at least when you don't have to wait in long lines)

The breakfast crew.

Ps..... I've neglected a lot of great things over the past months but, I'm slowly going to be sneaking in posts here and there that I missed. Keep watching. :) 

Becoming a vampire.....

So, I just finished my blood transfusions. I had two units. Just after the transfusion finished I decided it was life or death that I get up to pee.... Right when my door opened for blood labs to be drawn.... Now, I can either tell the kid "hold on, I have to use the restroom" but, I decided the cute little 12 year old blood tech guy didn't need to be sitting on my bed 2 feet away while I roll me and my cart into the bathroom and release what had to have been 47 gallons of pee (and likely a few farts from the sheer "ahhhhhhh" of release). So I waited. Anyway.... Blood labs done, there may or may not have been a bit of flatulence, I'll never tell. But, what I noticed was my legs felt strong! I was no longer "drunk ET" trying to make way to the bathroom, I saw my destination and made it there without bumping into any obstacles along the way! I walked to the sink in my room and stood there washing my hands without wobbling and made it back to bed without huffing and puffing. Woohoo.,... I'm like Bella - I like blood!!! I think I'll add it to my weekly regime, I'll take a nuepagen shot, an IV bag for dehydration.... Oh, and throw in a unit of O neg for me! That'd be great! 

Pneumonia 1 - Me 0

So, I'm in the hospital and all these Dr and Nurses are buzzing around like this is a super big deal..... I WANT to tell them, I'm fine... This is not "it" I'm not going to die this time around.... I feel it. I still feel strong, I'm still fighting.... But, then my body says otherwise and spikes another fever or we get blood labs saying I have no red or white cells left. So my brain and body are not in cahoots. My room is on complete isolation. I've heard my door has signs all over it saying no visitors, no fruit, must wear suits of armor to enter etc... But, I'm not allowed anywhere NEAR my door so, I'm not sure. Even the nurses and Dr (and especially family) have to don gear that looks like a scene from Breaking Bad to enter. This means no leisurely strolls (like drunk ET) around the ward like before, I'm stuck in this room 24/7. Again my brain says I should start doing laps in here but, my legs are like..... Ya, NO! Drunk ET prevails and I fall/crash-into my bed.

My first foray into the (il)legal....

Ok, so since I've been diagnosed everybody (and I mean EVERYBODY  from friends to Dr.'s to grandmothers) have been telling me to try medicinal marijuana- reeeeeefer. I'm not much of a drug type person, I don't even take Advil until the ailment is so bad I have no other choice. The nausea has been intense from radiation. And getting worse. After 5 days of constantly feeling like I was going to toss cookies I gave in and sent a plea to a few friends that "are in the know" of these things and because I'm a complete dork sent cryptic messages like "hey Hun, the nausea is getting really bad do you have any "medicine" that would help..... Like the kind you eat". The Feds would NEVER catch on to that, right?! They write back "oh edibles, sure whaddya want". So, I have an AMAZING friend who actually researched what would be best to get for me (too much sugar might make me feel worse, don't want to be too high just mellow and pain free etc).... And she brought over a few things for me to try. The first one that she explained "might be the ticket" was a Cheeba Chew made from indica hash (sativa would be stoney, indica more mellow). It's a chewy block, kind of like a square tootsie roll. She said to eat 1/4 of it. I did. First off let me say, I felt AWESOME I had no nausea whatsoever. After about  an hour I sent her a text saying it was wonderful and I felt great but, I'm glad I don't have to go anywhere. After 2 hours though...... Wow. Here are a few of my thoughts during the next several hours:

I can't move.

I'm going to try to move my feet. I can't. Do I have feet? I can't move.

I'm hungry.

What If someone comes to the door? They will know I'm stoned. I can't move.

I'm just going to close my eyes and hope this goes away soon.

It's not going away.

What if I forget to breathe (spent next 5 minutes forcing myself to breathe) started feeling like I was going to hyperventilate, thought maybe I should call 911 and tell them I might forget to breathe.

Maybe I should call Dave and tell him to come home. Can't move to get phone.

I don't think I like this. 

Am I going to feel like this forever? 

Whyyyyy did I do this to myself? 

Do I have feet?

I finally fell asleep and when I woke up when Dave got home (3 hours later) I woke like someone who hadn't slept in months.... Face numbing sleep, I clearly hadn't moved (couldn't move?) and had all of my bodyweight resting on my face the entire time. But I felt AWESOME-no nausea, no headache, no body aches.... I felt, normal. I also managed to GRUB and Dave knew I was loaded when I was eating a very large piece of chocolate cake! Hahahaha 

All in all, it was totally worth it to feel good and get some much needed rest but, as far as dosage I clearly have a few kinks to work out!! 

Radiation- about as much fun as getting poked in the eye. Repeatedly.

 I started my radiation treatment on July 31st... It's not SO bad. There is no pain involved just lots of noises, whooshes and beeps. The first 3 days I was sickkkkkkkk. About 2 hours after "rads" I would start throwing up and throwing up and.... Well, you get it. I started taking Zofran (Ondansetron, which makes me think of a nightclub) the second week but, I'm not really sure it has helped much. It's been pretty miserable and I have to carry my little green barf bag everywhere I go..... And that's IF I can manage to leave the house at all. They say I have had so much nausea and tummy issues because they are radiating my intestines and colon. Yay. 

We managed to get one family vacation in during August and I actually felt pretty good for the majority of it. When I planned it I knew that I couldn't miss rads so I made my appt first thing Friday morning. On my way to treatment I was joking to myself (yes, I talk to myself) "I wonder if I offered my tech cash if he'd say the machine was broken and I could skip it" ... Haha, well I would not REALLY do that but, it was a fun thought. So, when I pull into the parking lot at the oncology center and the tech meets me in the parking lot to tell me that the radiation machine was broken I was extremely happy! On our family trip we had all 5 kids, they each brought a friend, my mom, niece, Dave and I and Dave's mom and dad. We went to Lake Lopez in Arroyo Grande, Ca. It was fun. We saw tons of wildlife including 2 bears, we boated, swam, laughed and ate. Thanks to my mama and Dave for pulling up all the slack it takes to pull off a trip for 15 people! 

Waiting on radiation

Well, after simulation last week they told me it would be a week or so to get my radiation protocol figured out so we decided to head to the beach to camp for a few days before I start feeling too icky. We've had a beautiful 5 days and I've had some great friends come and visit. It's been nice to have some relaxation but, still let Piper have some fun! Enjoying this free time between surgery and treatment to mentally prepare myself for what's to come.